Unspoken Affections: Chronicles of Unrequited Love

Personal diaries - Chapter 3

I woke up this morning to find out nothing had changed. It was 09:13; yet I didn’t want to get off the bed - the dream was much finer than this reality. I slept at 3 if I remember correctly; guess you can’t expect a nap when the times are disturbed.

I laid there the whole time lamenting the days we spent together and repenting what was left. I wasn’t getting those days back for sure, but I hoped tomorrow to bring some joy. I hadn’t felt contented for a while and I kind of missed that. I only got swift joys once every while, and today was nothing special. It felt dry in the depths of an ocean. The weather, however, was in tune with me, at least until the next sunrise.

She rang me up around noon, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to pick up; I mean, it would have to end sooner or later. Anyways…, I did. She went on explaining her day, piece by piece. 'She is adorable, isn't she? Just look at that innocent face, promising eyes, agile lips, and a bit messy hair.' I liked it that way. I maintained a constant eye contact with a tender smile on my face. 'How can someone be that engaging? Aww… Please keep going. Can we do this the whole day, tomorrow, and every day?' Out of the blue, she asked me something, and I, being busy with my lofty imagination, gazed at her. Before I realized what was happening, she said, 'You never pay attention to me, do you?' I simply nodded my head up and down— 'NO! NO!'—and my head started nodding left and right. 'I am listening!' She continued… but truthfully, I didn’t remember a thing she said, but it wasn’t like that. We had that conversation going for about an hour until she was called to have her breakfast; she had it late today. The moment she hung up the phone, I was back with myself, feeble and gloomy. I stared at the ceiling for a while and then laid on my side. My heart felt out of its place.

I didn’t know what I was missing. She was right there for me, yet I saw her far apart. Probably, it was less about what had been and what was happening, but more about what was to be. Looking forward to a future that was never to come was certainly an awful position to be in. I couldn’t seem to enjoy a moment. Nothing fascinated me; what remained was just distress and agony. All those days, which I had once enjoyed, turned out to be the greatest hurdles. 'Why did I let that happen?' My head started feeling heavy, and soon, I fell asleep.

‘You’re just too good to be true/Can’t take my eyes off of you/You’d be like Heaven to touch/I wanna hold you so mu—.’ I could see a couple dancing: pink-blue gown with a pulp heel. ‘Where am I?’ A bright light came to my eyes. ‘Is it a ring?’ ‘I got engaged today. We are planning a trip to Paris this weekend.’ ‘Is that a kid?’ ‘Yeah, they named him — I forgot. Bright boy, isn’t he?’ ‘Who are you— and they just got engaged!’ ‘What?? It’s been two years?’ She said. ‘Where did he go?’ I stepped back. ‘Why is your hair turning light?’ My heart started pounding. ‘Why are there wrinkles on your face’- I screeched. With a smirk, she said ‘It’s because… I am your dream.’ I woke up with my eyes wide open.

It was about dusk. I could still feel a slight fever on me. I washed my eyes off and went out for a walk.

An old man was lying on the ground —all drunk, fulfilled, and carefree, living his life to the fullest. This was the outer world. Well..., looked normal. I wasn’t done wandering, so I took a long way home. On my way, 'Oh, hey Luffy' - a familiar voice. I turned to the right; she was a shopkeeper I often visited during my school days; she still remembered me. The conversation surely triggered some memories. The tides were different but not gone.

"Well, I was always into it, wasn't I? Names change, I don't," I said to myself and tripped into my bed. "There it is." I swirled to reach out for my phone, which was lying next to me. "She looked really pretty that day, didn't she? Mmm, she is always like that," I corrected myself, going through the photos we had together. "Singing all those wrong lyrics by herself— she didn't care, did she? She never failed to amaze me," I believed. Surely, I would. Elated, I used to feel when I was around her; I could ask for nothing more. All the memories we had together were more than precious to me. She used to feel really close; especially for two things: sharing all of the things I wouldn't have shared with anyone else, and next, involving me in her dof ideas. "I am saying this is a stupid idea. You won't continue this for over a couple of weeks," yet she used to drag me into whatever was in her sneaky mind, even though I had no role whatsoever, and well… I used to enjoy it; that obviously for a week or two because those used to be, like I said, stupid. "I said means he said. I tend to him; he tends to me." I felt the most special when she said that. Good days.

Things were quite different these days. Today was a lucky one; else, we would only have conversations when she felt she was going too hard on me; and those too short ones. We would go back to how it was when we met— at least that’s what I think; else, that usually was the case. I could see her with new faces though—happy and I wish I could be fine with that. It breaks to digest but I guess that’s how it turns out. I feel desolate.